my best attempt at this whole domestic thing

I’ve definitely been neglecting posting, an action that...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:19:14 -0500

I’ve definitely been neglecting posting, an action that can also be applied to the house that has also been getting some serious lack of attention. The whole place has been pretty sloppy lately and in dire need of some legitimate TLC.

Not like any excuse is good enough but there has been plenty of things going on, of which I like to think PERMITS my lack of attention. For one, we had this funny little pup over at hour house while her owners were off traveling in NY for a few days. Motzzi had the time of his life but the house was like really? Can you get ANY MORE fur off of you and onto my carpets? Our usually light blue carpets turned a lovely shade of dark brown for a few days. Side note: we have officially decided to get new flooring. More on that potential disaster soon I’m sure.

Also, organization seems to be a huge issue at the place. It all started going south when our beloved 3 hook fixture (that I inherited from my nephew when he moved out) bit the dust when one-too-many purses was hung from it. I must not have realized the hooks weren’t made for like 100 pounds of purses and book bags and camera bags… but the fact that it ripped out of the wall now just means my items that are meant for hanging are now forlorn and strewn about the place. Its a Stage 4 disaster.

However, I will say that I think a breakthrough is coming… yesterday, approximately 10 minutes after my buddies picked up their little pup, I busted out the glorious vacuum powder (which was now a semi-solid chunk mixed with coffee grounds, thanks to Mr. Sinkerator for busting & leaking again), smashed it inside a ziploc bag thanks for genius roomie to get it back to powder status, and vacuumed like a crazy person for a good doozy. My triangles weren’t perfect but I DIDN’T CARE. It was exhilarating! and clean! and awesome.

Today’s epiphany: there are really only 2 things that have...

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:44:16 -0400

Today’s epiphany: there are really only 2 things that have come a really long way. Technology, and fake mashed potatoes.

Ever since pagers were considered cool, I’ve considered boxed mashed potatoes absolutely nasty. I used to gag a little every time I even THOUGHT about them. At my friends house, I would choke down their parents fake taters because lets face it, I was damn spoiled with my own mom’s homemade mashed heavenly goodness.

But the facts are these: I really don’t like grocery shopping to go often to buy fresh taters, and the first (and last) time I bought a bag of potatoes I forgot about them in the cupboard, and by the time I remembered they had grown these monstrous like claws and weird discolored vines that I didn’t know what to do and just threw them back in the cupboard like the freaks they were. Cat Cora HERSELF could tell me they were ok but I would still have my reserves, they are just not normal. So at Sam’s Club the other day, it had come down to a 50 lb. bag of Russets, or this red box with Idahoan splattered across the top. And going off of pure instinct and the justification that since it says “Idaho” somewhere on it its got to be good, we purchased it and I crossed my fingers.

Fast forward a week to tonight, and after the weekly softball game I just wanted a nice hearty meal. The usual PB&J or lame attempt just wasn’t going to cut it. So on my way home I remembered this AWESOME breaded chicken my mom used to make… they made the house whole smell so delicious, they looked easy enough and man… some mashed potatoes would be so perfect along side them. BUT WHAT IF THESE WERE SUB PAR? What if they made me want to vomit like many past fake taters?

But oh the contrary. They. Were. Awesome. I was sooo doubtful at first. But I even tasted the raw bits and even THEY tasted good! The roommate remains skeptical. But thats because HE DIDN’T TASTE THEM! But Mike flipped out of socks when he saw I had made mashed potatoes, and scarfed all of it down. It was a success :)

Yesterday was this guy’s 2nd birthday. He’s not...

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:33:15 -0400

Yesterday was this guy’s 2nd birthday.

He’s not exactly an upgrade or new fixture to the house but his presence in the house is definitely worthy of mentioning on here, especially since we make such stark adjustments to our home for him and he doesn’t even pay rent, have a job, or pitch in with household chores. In fact, all he does is eat, sleep, and party up and down the stairs, jumps on our beds, demands attention, is sometimes rude to new guests and is always rude to little kids, and leaves his toys strewn about and doesn’t even care.

However! All he has to do is give us that ONE LOOK, plop right on top of our feet, squeeze his little head by your laptop and onto your keyboard, behave alarmingly well in a situation, wag his entire butt when we get home… and instantly our hearts melt like butter and all that other stuff goes out the window. The fact that he is a neurotic piece of work makes him all the more endearing. Maybe just to us, but still. :)

He is crazy and has issues but we really love him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Motzzi is the best mistake we ever made!

And now I’m wondering if my mom could substitute “she” for “he” and “Emily” for “Motzzi” and repeat everything verbatum. Yikes.

All I wanted was a temperature gauge for the grill. Mike’s...

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:57:00 -0400

All I wanted was a temperature gauge for the grill.

Mike’s brother came over and brought steaks and said “wheres your thermometer? I need to know when the grill gets hot enough.” After laughing at him for thinking this was Bobby Flay’s house I said just let it warm up man, it will be fine. 10 minutes later he checks on it, and comes screaming back in the house because flames are licking the top of the grill and coming out around the side and Rob’s gasping “IS THIS NORMAL?!” We check on it and sure enough, the grill is not normal. 2 foot flames are fueled by pent up grease and I’m like “Hey Rob! Get your steaks, I think its warm enough!”

Anyway, fast forward into the week and I’m using any excuse to get back into the homeowners paradise called Bed Bath and Beyond, and that thermometer sounds like a good enough reason to go. I figure in case we attempt steaks on our own, I don’t want Mad Cow disease or anything. So Mike and I enter BB&B and as we are holding hands and skipping throughout the place with glee… all of a sudden, BAM! My world was knocked UPSIDE DOWN by this automatic soap dispenser sensor thing. um WHAT! Excuse me, I NEED THIS! I looked at Mike, and without even speaking he knew. I tried not to want it. I really tried hard to rip my eyes away from it. I tried to act like I could live in a world without it. We even looked at other normal soap dispensers for a moment but all I felt was emptiness inside. I imagined my hand under the sensor! I imagined how efficient, and magnificent it would be! Cleanliness, with great ease!

It had to be done. I snagged a recipe box, 2 frosty mugs, the soap dispenser from 2030 and walked away extremely happy.

Wait… oops. Forgot the thermometer. Aw shoot. Guess I’ll have to go back!!! ;)

Ok. I’m done messing around with my 3-5 wine bottles and...

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:03:12 -0400

Ok. I’m done messing around with my 3-5 wine bottles and the constantly half-filled rack. I am trying to figure out how in the world I can accomplish this wine cellar pictured above. HOW AWESOME IS THIS?! How long do you think the battle with HOA would be? Or technically, could they say anything since its not outside the house? I need to re-visit the CC&R’s on this one. Either way, this is a goal I am adding to The List. Please don’t be worried when you hear the sounds of demolition reverberating from my house. Wine party when I’m done! :)

Lately I’ve had these urges to bake, and at really late at...

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 23:30:35 -0400

Lately I’ve had these urges to bake, and at really late at night. Its really pretty ridiculous and totally inconvenient. But I HAVE TO BAKE! I didn’t even bake this much when I still lived at mom’s. I would get the urge like once a year. But in the past week I’ve made (and in this order): Cornbread from a box, sugar cookies, cornbread from semi-scratch, and brownies. Guess which one is pictured above.

I think the cornbread from the box (Trader Joe’s version) was so delicious and so easy, that it gave me this super false sense of super-hero baker and I was all THIS AIN’T HARD! I can do this, no sweat! But I made sugar cookies shortly after that (really since we didn’t have any other ingredients to make anything else) and they came out GREAT for the first 1/2 hour, and then after that they swayed to biscuit status and all they were missing was some gravy (per the other residents in the house). Then a friend came over and after politely choking one down referred to them as “snickerdoodles”. I really don’t know the difference, but this I DO know, that if you make something and someone calls it something else, you probably didn’t execute it all that well. Can you imagine making a great pot roast and someones all “Great chicken dip!”. Something obviously went awry. Even though I’m still not sure what. However, in retaliation, I thought hold up - I make a FANTASTIC cornbread. And pasta with sauce has been frequenting our dinner table lately, so I decided to make it again. Unfortunately this was another semi-fail, because although Mike was nice enough to eat half of the whole thing, it just wasn’t sweet like the Trader Joe’s kind and frankly, kind of nasty. So another fail there.

So what does a wannabe Top Chef do?! I’m just trying to bake with success. I remembered a friend of mine raved about some brownies I made in a jar for Christmas last year, the kind you put together and all they have to do is add water or something and bam! Brownies! So I dragged Mike to CVS, after debating that it WAS a necessary purchase and only after agreeing to buy another fish for the fish tank (since two unnecessary purchases equal a necessary one, duh), and voila! threw together the mix and threw them in the oven and wow… the brownies turned out AWESOME. I guess you can’t really go wrong with white and dark chocolate chips in brown sugar and cocoa mix, but it was the perfect potion to get my baking self-efficacy back up to the levels it should be… and also a new secret weapon for the next potluck they have at the office. Because they have approxiamtely 16 of those a week.

Sam’s Club! BEST PLACE EVER! Where else can you get a jar...

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 02:18:20 -0400

Sam’s Club! BEST PLACE EVER!

Where else can you get a jar of powdered creamer for 5 bucks that will last for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Where else can you buy necessary household items that won’t even fit into your already existing cabinets!

Literally this jug o’ creamer is as big as the entire coffee pot. The first words out of the roomies mouth were “You could cream the ocean with that”. Its a pretty legitimate amount of coffee creamer, definitely a worthy purchase. Although purchasing it was no easy task. I felt like I didn’t know where to begin in there. Like life turned into The Indian in the Cupboard, and we were the Indians. It was nuts. We also indulged in a 40 pound bag of shredded cheese (the luxury item for the week) and about 6,000 pounds of tortilla chips. Mike said “taco night tonight?” and I was thinking sure, we could have taco month if you really wanted to.

I say this was quite the successful shopping trip, although I did feel a little out of place. I kept feeling like every corner I turned, Jon and Kate plus 8 would be there and they’d be all “Oh hi! So how many little ones do YOU have?” and we’d have to fess up and be like “Uh, none” and they’d gawk and be like “Ok, see you in 6 months then when you run out of that food”. Which is why I really like Sam’s Club actually. They don’t discriminate against the childless, or the young just trying to save a buck or two by buying in bulk. We were the only people in there without kids and far below the median age of 40. They didn’t ask any code questions either on the application like “Approximately how many soccer games to you attend per week?” Thank you Sam, for treating us all alike. We appreciate the opportunity to binge shop too.

Well thanks Palmolive! For the force-clean of the cleaning...

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 02:25:25 -0400

Well thanks Palmolive! For the force-clean of the cleaning supplies cabinet!

Seriously, I would never think to clean out the cabinet under the sink that has all the cleaning supplies. Isn’t that similar to disinfecting rubbing alcohol? I know its clean in there, I mean it always smells awesome in there, there is no trash or anything down there… everything down there cleans itself anyway! The dishwater packets, soaps, sprays, the ever awesome Glade carpet deodorizer , and more… had it not been for the fateful fall of this huge bright pink bottle of thick gooey dish soap or whatever its called I am pretty sure it would never have struck me to clean out this clean cabinet. Is this a major error on behalf of the fledgling domesticiress?

Either way, the tower of pink molasses goo took a nose dive forward and approximately half of its guts spilled all over the bottom of this cabinet, enough to start blubbering out onto the weird linoleum. Not only did I CLLEEEEAAAANN that thing out, it took an entire paper towel roll, it sudsed up probably a boatload worth of bubbles, took 2 gallons of water to thin out, and sparkled with such glean after that I think I saw a mischievous glint in the bottom of that cabinet’s eye. I’m not exaggerating when I say it took half a night. Ok, I am exaggerating, but really though, it took way longer than necessary. Especially considering that the necessary amount of time it should have taken was NOTHING because cleaning out cleaning closets is stupid. Stupid!

Its been a while since the last update - what can I say,...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 02:57:00 -0400

Its been a while since the last update - what can I say, I’ve been busy whipping up gourmet meals in the kitchen. Trader Joe’s frozen food bags are considered gourmet right? Actually, truth is - the only thing I’ve made from the ground up (twice) is this ridiculously awesome Key Lime Pie, which is just as equally easy as it is ridiculous. And no, I’m proud to report that I didn’t make it twice because I jacked up the first one, I made it twice because a) the first time around it was a hit (all of those plates were filled and emptied above), and b) Mike wasn’t home the first time around and was insanely jealous that my family got to indulge in the exquisite fare and he missed out. I’m likely exaggerating by flinging around adjectives like “exquisite” - but you know what, none of my fam ralphed immediately onto the plates after taking that first bite, so it was Emily for the win. I had already had a semi-loss earlier, when someone suggested ordering pizza in, and I was all “Wait! I am so prepared! I have a —- wait for it —- DiGiorno Pizza in the freezer! I’ll just pop that baby in, and dinner. is. served. !!!” I was SO excited for having such an effortless and savvy solution, beaming with glory, when I busted it out and all of them took one look at the hor d’oeuvre size snack and melted into a fit of laughter, because oh wait, how is an 8 slice pizza supposed to feed 6 grown people. Whoops.

Needless to say - I messed that one up, but I think the Key Lime Pie from out-of-nowhere helped a ton. At least my it helped my domestification self esteem! :)

In need of some inspiration or at least guidance, I was so...

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:52:13 -0400

In need of some inspiration or at least guidance, I was so graciously allowed by mom to steal a few cookbooks from her overflowing bookcase to take home with me. Since there were 8 billion to choose from, I went off of Attention-Captured-by-Title and pure instinct. I grabbed 3 immediately: World’s Best Recipe’s (kind of a bold statement, don’t you think?), COOKIES (speaks for itself, at least the capital letter do), and Dinners in 30 Minutes or Less (I’m a fan of efficiency). I never understood why she such an overabundance of recipe literature, considering everything she made spewed straight from her brain and onto the dinner table. The only time I saw her crack open a book was around the holidays, when everyone except me would contribute with cooking and I think she only had it there to make everyone else feel better about THEIR cooking abilities. I wasn’t allowed in the kitchen, even to observe, because I had no issues with walking by a hard-working chef and grabbing an entire handful of raw dough and asking why they even had to cook it, it was good as is, save yourself the time. Such a nuisance was not appreciated in the kitchen, so I never got to experience Mom’s kitchen stadium, thus never learning how to cook, hence this blog spot, right here, right now. Like SlumDog says, it’s all written.

I thought I could fool anybody into thinking I could cook though, I mean just because my entire family knows of my spaz status in the kitchen, doesn’t mean it’s plastered on my forehead does it? When I walk by a stranger, they can’t tell just by looking at me - can they? Apparently. I’m all excited for this new adventure of becoming the next Top Chef contender ready to take on Bobby Flay when I come home and show off my new cookbooks to anyone that will listen … that day it was the innocent bystanding roomie. One look at the 30-Minutes-or-Less cookbook and he says “30 minutes? So it should take you 60?”

Funny. Verrrrrrrrrry funny. I take back all those nice things I said about your toaster.

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part VII. (continued from...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 22:23:37 -0400

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part VII. (continued from Part VI here) (or, start from the beginning here)

Most normal people understand that their first attempt at making something typically turns out sub-par results. Somehow I didn’t get lumped in with the rest. Whenever I put the blood and sweat and tears into something - its AMAZING, regardless of the turn out. Best job, ever. And whereas I understand this is very obnoxious - it still doesn’t change anything. I have to concentrate really, really hard in order to try to figure out if whatever I made or created or whatever is actually that good? Or is it my famed over-compensation? Anywho - imagine my dismay after slaving over these 7-story-long back door curtains, with all the adventures and newfound knowledge and everything… when Mike comes home from tour, take one look at the finished product and spouts off:

1) Ohhhhh. Babe. Wow.
2) Are those Moses’ old curtains?
3) What is that MATERIAL? Looks like Bible cloth!
4) Is that —-

I interrupt.

Dude. I happen to LOVE THEM. They’re, you know, real earthy. I was going for brown, earthy, calming.

4) EARTHY is right! Like back when the dinosaurs were around- earthy!

What?! That doesn’t even make any sense man! I’m like, look, are you trying to show off that you knew what the interior decorating fads were like back in the day, or are you trying to SUGGEST that my creation is NOT the most beautiful thing you’ve ever SEEN?!
Anyway, it turned out that his best compliment of the night was something like “Well they are really nice, even though they’re pretty bad. Maybe we can hang them upstairs? Yeah! They would go PERFECT up there! No one will see them that way! Awesome job babe!”

Grrr. We went to IKEA a week later and bought 2 panels for a total of 15 bucks. However, I am happy to report that the Moses curtains hang quite non-subtly in the master bedroom, where I get to see them everyday. And I still kind of have a grudge against the IKEA curtains.

Seriously had a homeowner’s orgasm today - I went to a Bed...

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 22:35:00 -0400

Seriously had a homeowner’s orgasm today - I went to a Bed Bath and Beyond for the first time in my life. That place was absolutely unreal… I knew it was a slice of domestic heaven before I even got done with the first aisle. I even spent so long in the first 2 aisles that a lingering BedBath associate was all “Are you looking for something specific?” After shifting my glazed-over stare to her all I had to say was “This is my first time” and she immediately nodded her head like that explained my weird but now understood behavior. I saw the same associate laugh at me about an hour later in maybe the 10th aisle when I was staring at magical reed diffusers and sniffing every single scent they came in. Who thinks of these things??? I guess the most impressive part of the whole experience was how they really lived up to the last part of their name: BEYONDDDDDD. Ok there is really only one D but its so crazy in there that even if they added a few D’s to the end of their name it wouldn’t even be exaggerating. They are THAT good. Going in I was thinking to myself, I would only get maybe 1 or 2 things, as a means to preserve my gift certificate for when something might pop up that I absolutely needed. Yeah right - I spent the whole thing without even thinking twice, and skipped out of there with glee.

My latest item to conquer… my dad’s old Canon A-1...

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 23:51:27 -0400

My latest item to conquer… my dad’s old Canon A-1 film camera, a model that was born in 1978. Not really a regular household item but I figure every real domestic goddess has beautiful pictures around her home - so why not take the extra step and learn to take them herself! The thing couldn’t be FARTHER from self-explanatory and has got to be the most counter-intuitive device I’ve ever come across. This might be the first thing I’ve ever not been able to tinker with and just figure out. My generation demands ease of use and instant gratification - and I fully admit, I am the epitome of the product of that generation. I’ve only had the contraption in my possession for a couple of days and its already driving me up the wall. There are 5 different lenses, 6 billion different buttons and settings (all of which are hardly labeled of course) and the whole bit about being a FILM camera throws instant gratification out the window. Every picture I take I just die a little bit inside because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! It could be all black, or could be the next photographic masterpiece of our time. I’ll admit its nice to have a little suspense going on, building up until I hit up that 1-hour photo joint. Can you imagine if we it was 4-photo instead? OMG.

Probably the most impulsive purchase I’ve ever made (well...

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:26:40 -0400

Probably the most impulsive purchase I’ve ever made (well maybe 2nd… the first was probably the house itself). But I saw these adorable little salt and pepper shaker things at a nearby Thai restaurant and they were knocked down 50%! Um, WHAT! So I just had to get them, even though I had previously made myself promise I wouldn’t get too carried away with knick-knacks and tick-tacks and all that crap. I’ve been in homes that literally looked as though Home Goods/Macy’s/400 Garage Sales all got digested together and then regurgitated back up in the form of way too damn many gadgets and gizmo’s everywhere you turn. Like what The Little Mermaid was referring too in her rock ballad about whoosits and whatsits galore. She wasn’t singing about her underwater cave full of treasures from the dry world, she was singing about people who get way too much junk for their pads. Don’t get me wrong, it looks cool most of the time and I’m sure it takes a great deal of interior decorating intellect to obtain such a look - but whenever I’m in one of these over-stuffed cribs I kind of feel like if I move too fast I might bust something and commit that ultimate party foul. Or even if I’m feeling particularly graceful and am pretty confident I won’t be breaking anything, I still shiver about how annoying it would be to lovingly wrap each and every one of those keep-sake treasures, come moving day. Ugh.

This glorious fish tank has been in sitting in our house...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:22:07 -0400

This glorious fish tank has been in sitting in our house completely naked ever since we got it. Apparently we have to “get it set up”, like get a new filter and blah blah blah. I was kind of hoping with todays technology there would be some way to plug it in to the nearest outlet and turn it “on”. I don’t know. Apparently there is quite a lot more to it than just that. But either way, its been sitting there, all sad and empty, so I thought these bass would make it feel like it was doing its job. Its definitely a nice placeholder until we get real bass for that big ol’ thing.

Bad news today… tragedy struck in the form of a toaster...

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 03:05:34 -0400

Bad news today… tragedy struck in the form of a toaster passing. Except by struck I mean it gradually took place, over time. Actually it was striking for about 2 weeks now, and I think it finally finished striking. Sad.

Some background: one typical day I was gearing up to make a nice gourmet dinner - peanut butter and jelly, the usual. Bread lightly toasted, peanut butter melting ever so slightly, with a touch a strawberry glaze deliberately applied. Of course the key ingredient here is the lightly toasted toast. Not too crunchy, not too burnt though either. Toasters are very fickle this way. You put all faith forward when throwing fresh and unassuming slices of virgin bread in them, and inherently take the great risk associated with this act. I mean, they could burn! They could end up IN THE TRASH! Unacceptable. It is our duty to make sure innocent breads never go burnt. The perfect toaster is pivotal here. Fortunately my roommates toaster was perfect. Until…

The beginning of the end. Day 1: push lever down. it bounces back up. Huh? push it again - sticks. Sweet. Must not have pushed hard enough.

Day 5: push lever down. bounces up. push. bounces. push… and Hold. It sticks. Sweeeeet.

Day 9: push. bounce. push. bounce. push, hold. bounce. $%^&. Slam… annnnnd it sticks. Sweet!

Day 11: push, bounce, push, bounce, hold, SLAM, push, slam, hold, push. no sticking. slam? push? slam/hold? NOTHING IS WORKING. My dinner is RUINED.

Day 14: Me: “heyyy roomie… you know your awesome toaster? The one I love with all my heart? Yeah I think its broken. Check it out” —- push, bounce. puuuuuuush… bounce.
Roommate: “No way - let me try!” —- push. SLAM. SLAM. SLAM.
Me: “yeeeaaaahhhh” —-push—- “OMG! did you see that flash? Ahh!!! There was a flash of white light that came out of the toaster!”

And so, the toaster gave its last breath and officially crapped out. At least until our crafty roommate fixes it. Until then, I’m researching the market for a new toaster. Talk about indecision here. I thought I had a hard enough time choosing fabric for curtains! One google search for “awesome toaster” and I was absolutely floored. Decisions, decisions.

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part VI. (continued from...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:41:56 -0400

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part VI. (continued from Part V here) (or, start from the beginning here)

I set to work on the detergent soaked, semi-straightened material, determined to do the best seamstress job in the world. These curtains are going to be nothing short of glorious. I’m armed with oldies on the radio and hair pulled back, I’m ready for action. I feel like I’ve come a pretty long way at this point. However, I do like how all the pearls of wisdom from everyone and their mom come out during this time, every single one of which I could have put to great use before the demise-of-the-ugly-sandbag/war-fabric:

Pearl 1: Oh no, look at those detergent spots! You shouldn’t have used powder. Use liquid next time.

Pearl 2: It only takes a couple minutes for the iron to warm up. You thought it would take 20? Maybe an iron from the 50s would take that long. Wow

Pearl 3: Yeah, when the iron feels like its not working anymore its because after an hour it turns off automatically. Most people don’t iron for 3 hours straight. Only you apparently.

Pearl 4: Try a water bottle instead of the water squirter thing. That way you don’t have to keep filling it up. And that way you don’t have to spill a gallon from the pitcher every time the chamber’s empty.

Pearl 5: Why don’t you just have your mom help you? I heard she was amazing at these things.

AWESOME! GOOD TO KNOW! I wish I could chalk it up to inexperience, having not being around for even a quarter of a century, but I’ve got no excuse when a 13 year old is giggling at my Kool Aid pitcher device for refilling the water chamber. Even SHE knows I’m a lost cause. But guess what… I may be a lost cause but my curtains sure aren’t going to be!

The time comes for the famous iron-on hem. How hard can this be? Just read the directions and onward towards curtain triumph. So after reading, you can imagine my disappointment when I am thoroughly confused. Its so tempting to grab the cell and call Mom. “CAN YOU MAKE ME CURTAINS PLEEEEAAASSSEEE?” I resist the call. I continue.

“Iron a crease where the fold of the hem will be”… check. Only takes me 35 minutes. I’m thinking I have a lot of respect for those women in the curtain sweat shops on the other side of the world. “Place iron-on hem rough side down. Slowly run iron along hem, giving time for hem to bond.”… ok whoa, hold up. Both sides are pretty rough, man. Why would it matter anyway? Aren’t both sides going to touch fabric? Ok - THAT direction gets tossed out the (curtain-less) window. So I dutifully follow the next direction. I run the hot iron along the bare-faced iron-on hem… which immediately turns to gunk on the iron and disappears from the fabric. HUH? How is this supposed to bond? I try to push the fabric back together to maybe stick from the gunk… does not stick. Maybe I ran it TOO slow. Here goes another try. I barely touch it with the iron. Vanishes immediately! What the hell! This isn’t iron-hem, this is an automatic crap-on-your-roommates-iron maker! WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

Oh.

You’re supposed to fold the fabric back over… with the iron-hem stuff INSIDE of it. And THEN run the iron along the OUTSIDE of the folded part. THATS what the crease was for. And THATS how it bonds. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I promise I’m not the biggest idiot to walk the face of the Earth. I mean at least thats what I spent the next 20 minutes convincing myself after this condescending bout with iron-on hem.

The rest of it bonds beautifully. The whole thing looks awesome except of course for the first 6 inches that won’t stick to save a life. Where the gunk left its evil smirk. Whatever - I leave it as is. I don’t care if one corner of my ghetto curtains flap up. I’ve got to have some character built into these curtains. And there it is, those first 6 inches, gloriously unhinged. Just like me!

I’ve stumbled across something magical, something that...

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:45:00 -0400

I’ve stumbled across something magical, something that actually made me WANT to (wait for it…) vacuum the house! This is no easy feat, considering I’d literally vacuumed maybe 5 times in my entire life. I never ONCE vacuumed my room during the last 6 year reign at my parent’s house, because how can you swivel around all those piles of textbooks and clothes? Not to mention every 2 weeks, right as it would start to get bad, I would get home and miraculously the room would be spic and span, by some secret and powerful force named Lola! I had vacuumed maybe a couple times (after being asked of course) throughout the rest of the house, but I think the return on investment was so low for my mom that she realized it was hardly worth it. Apparently there is a science to vacuuming and I’d effed it up so bad that she would wait years before asking me again. Unfortunately, these sacred techniques of vacuuming are not innate, and even years later when Mom would ask me to vacuum again probably hoping I’d have accumulated these techniques, I’d go at it and she would just be reminded of how horrible of a job I’d done the couple years prior. Her investment of time and struggle to explain to me the methods of acheiving the perfect vacuum triangle MORE than outweighed the pros of a clean carpet. I always thought her decision not to ask me to vacuum was soundly financial as it was quite the sub-par ROI… although she called it some strange term that I never understood: “spoiled”? Something like that. :)

Either way, you can imagine the shock when I was goofing around Target, and stumbled across this strange specimen called “Glade Carpet Deodorizer” in the cleaner section. After reading the directions, it seemed simple and painless enough, pet-safe, and even somewhat exciting! So exciting that I was ITCHING to go home, sprinkle it, and (gasp!) vacuum.

The smell: divine! The experience: invigorating! The results: SUPERIOR!

I even left the house for a couple hours and upon returning was so pleased that the smell still lingered and my vacuum triangles were triumphantly staring back at me. Geometry and carpets never worked so well together before.

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part V. (continued from...

Sun, 31 May 2009 04:15:00 -0400

95 inch back door sliding glass door. Part V. (continued from Part IV here)

5 necessary components to a successful iron session (please refer to diagram above):

a) sand bag cloth that takes 8 times longer to iron than any normal material (good practice right?)
b) trusty iron-on hem with clear instructions
c) an actual iron, from the 21st century!
d) Kool-Aid pitcher. to aid the process of filling the water reserve thing up
e) rag, to soak up the water that missed the water thing when pouring from the pitcher

Busting out an iron for the first time in my life (no exaggeration here unfortunately), I learned a lot in a little amount of time. Like it doesn’t take 20 minutes for an iron to warm up… I always thought they did. Oh and that it’s really hard to fill up the little water holder thing in the iron – but when its full the iron just feels more legit, like it’s doing a better job. Nature of the chore I guess.

I had to get the 5 perfect components in order to start this second step of the new-curtains-for-that-awfully-inconvenient-door. The first step was throwing them into the wash because the directions on the iron-on hem said to do so. And trust me, I put a lot of faith into directions on anything that takes a needle and thread out of my hand. I just about rolled over and died over discovering the thread-less phenomenon.

The problem however was that after taking one of the panels out of the dryer (only one because I was too scared to stuff the second one in) was that it was so jacked up that I was already thinking about how I could go about returning the cut fabric. “Do I still have the receipt? Can you return fabric after washing it? Can you even return fabric in general?” But looking at what emerged from the dryer was not unlike wondering how to straighten out an already crumbled piece of aluminum foil back to its original state. It was bad. So, the inevitable “busting out” of the iron happened, although I was hoping the iron would only be used for whole hemming part and not actually for IRONING.

It literally took an hour and the result was not superior. There were still some creases here and there, the water spots from the iron were having a tough time drying, and there were splotches from the powder detergent I’d used. I’d tried super-soaking the detergent spots with the built in water squirter but it only mucked it up even more. I was not stoked but the blood, sweat, and rock and roll that went into it made the justifications fly out at lightening speeds. At least it smelled delicious and was semi-straight.

Part VI coming up next…

This marked the first time leaving the house completely...

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:11:27 -0400

This marked the first time leaving the house completely unattended for an extended amount of time. No trustworthy dog/house sitter this time, no house keys handed out to anybody, nothin!

Having booked this vacation almost half a year ago, despite our relatively broke standings we were still more-than-ready to go. I was definitely looking forward to the time away but definitely was not sure what to expect upon our return.

Did I have an awesome vacation?
Yes!
Was I freaking out that the coffee maker would short circuit and burn down the whole complex? Absolutely! (i’ve heard this happen before ok!)
Did I think I would walk in and find 6 billion ants heave-ho-ing the refrigerator away?
Sadly yes.

Of course literally nothing happened. Well except for the tragedy of a spoiled half gallon of milk. In fact we forgot to throw away a cookie pizza box from BJ’s and mercifully, no insects managed to discover this gold mine. I was surprised by how smoothly the execution of the mass exodus for the weekend went.

But when we finally got home, sun burned and exhausted, gross and smelly, lazy from dragging all of our crap in, and trudgingly upstairs and sank into bed… it was literally the best feeling in the world. I’d never felt so welcome in any place before in my life. You could have tried to tempt me with the swankiest bar, the coolest party, but it wouldn’t have swayed me for one second. Home was the only place I wanted to be.